You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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