I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
