so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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