my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
