dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
