You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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