Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
