she was so not down for the gang bang
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
