my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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