guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
