I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize