Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
