i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
