my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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