True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
