i permit you to call me
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
