btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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