i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Of course I have a pirate flag
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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