i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
