here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
COCAINE IS GR8
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
