He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
