I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
