Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
