I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
