did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize