They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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