Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
