Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
