I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Less talking, more tequila
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
