I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I could make wine with my vomit
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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