dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Randomize
