a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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