I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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