Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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