i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize