I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
