Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
