two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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