The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
