Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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