Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
