she woke up with a sticky ear
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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