I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize