My hand turned me down
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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