First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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