im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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