I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
