If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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