I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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