I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
