Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
