please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize