If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
