i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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