at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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