So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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