our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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