i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
