You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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