so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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