shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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